Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
