I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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