my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
