I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
