How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
