You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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