we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
