Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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