I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
