Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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