just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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