DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
