On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
