Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
