dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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