finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
