a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
