these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
