Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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