I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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