I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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