You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
