I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
