Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
