Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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