I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
