I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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