Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
