If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
