If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
