Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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