my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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