somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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