apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
