shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
