I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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