I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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