So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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