I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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