I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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