I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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