PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
