i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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