Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
