I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
