He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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