I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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