i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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