were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
