In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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