You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
