There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
